Jack Usher '11 responds to "Hiding their highs"

Picture this: Little Xiao arrives at school after a completely innocent morning. He pops into the cafeteria, makes a quick purchase, and sits down in class to bust open a fresh pack of Milanos. He is promptly expelled for suspected marijuana usage. No drug tests occurred. He never appeared in front of the Honor Board to hash out his dilemma. Is this fair?

The Harvard-Westlake Chronicle published a series of articles on Nov. 10 regarding the usage of marijuana. I admit that I am green to this substance and the articles were quite informative. However, one quote from Nancy ’12, “Thank god for those Milanos,” has stigmatized one of my top three favorite snacks. Milanos have officially become known as “stoner food.” The good Pepperidge name and Farms in general have been soiled. Frankly, I’m surprised that company representatives aren’t on campus doing damage control.

Many students are feeling the pressure of this budding paranoia. I polled 80 Harvard-Westlake students to understand the general response to the quote. I first asked whether students were concerned about in-class Milano consumption before the Chronicle’s article. Only one student was.

“Milanos are some shady-ass snacks,” Shlomo Steinberg ’11 said.

However, when asked whether the students were embarrassed enough to change their snack of choice after reading the article, 71 out of 80 students answered yes.

“It’s not just Milanos. It’s all Pepperidge Farm products I’m concerned about,” our reliable source, Nick Lieberman* said. Even the teachers were lit up by the article. Of the faculty polled, 80 percent said that they would be suspicious of a student eating Milanos in class. Clearly Milanos have become public enemy number one. A reputable member of Harvard-Westlake’s Fanatics said, “I don’t know which I hate more: Milanos or Boyola.”

I decided to personally test the effect of the article on campus attitudes towards Milanos. For an entire day, I carried around a one ounce baggie of Milanos and a Nature Valley Bar. The results were astounding. Not one person commented on the obviously hippie-associated “Nature” Valley Bar. But throughout the school day, I was scorned for snacking on Milanos. Classmates were hurtful, taunting me for having the “munchies” and declaring me “high.” I felt just like Little Xiao would have, had he existed.

Let me be blunt. Something must be done to overcome the anti-snack revolution. I went back to snacktistical analyst Nick Lieberman for his take on how to weed out the problem. We propose a joint solution: Harvard-Westlake needs to slowly reintroduce everyday snacks back into the curriculum. They should start with Goldfish or even Cheetos. Milanos are too high-profile right now. The deans should then meet with the parents to establish a snack plan and discuss choices for the future. We must wait, however, until the memory of the marijuana article has gotten a little faded. Crisis vaporized. Whudabing Badabong.

 

(Additional research by Nick Lieberman ’11, Treasurer of the Milano Club)

—Jack Usher ’11

 

 

*names have been changed

 

 

 

 

 

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