There is a conspiracy afoot. A tale of corruption and fraud on a scale so huge that I fear the average Chronicle reader may be unprepared for the shock it may bring. Yet it is the job of this fine institution to reveal the truth to our readers, so that is exactly what I will do. But be wary, for you have been warned.
First, I must ask you, what is the most important Harvard-Westlake tradition that we have? Is it the ring ceremony? Opening convocation? No, it is the game of Assassin, where glorious warriors fight in the arena of school trying to catch their targets off guard, while avoiding getting “killed.”
The winner of this event is immortalized in our minds as the most skillful and cunning warrior of them all, or some troglodyte who just didn’t come to school for a week in order to avoid being killed. (Cough, cough.)
“But, oh wise, noble and handsome Jonah,” you may be asking, “where is this conspiracy you warned us about?”
Well, unfortunately, this year’s games are wrought with fraud, corruption and temptations. Players have slain opponents during times of truce, performing unjust kills or sometimes killing a player who was not even their target.
These mishaps, though, are not limited to the bottom plebeian masses running around having their fun. No, this year’s polluted game goes straight to the top of the pyramid, all the way up to the game masters.
These game masters have told favored players who is hunting them in an attempt to rig the games their way — telling friends, families and even pets who has them as their target so they know who to avoid at school.
This system is so rigged that even Bernie Sanders has stopped campaigning to proclaim that the game masters’ power has gone to their heads, and their monopoly on the assassin game must be broken up.
Donald Trump has also stopped by the school, telling the students that the game masters of Assassin are losers, and unlike him, they have never won anything in their lives.
The real question is, how did the Harvard-Westlake administration allow this to happen under their watch? Assassin is our most guarded tradition, and the administration must be accountable for the crumbling of this game under their watch. I suggest an all-school assembly be held and every teacher publicly apologize to each and every Harvard-Westlake student for not being a better guardian of this sacred tradition.
The moral fabric of this Harvard-Westlake community is coming apart at its seams due to this break in trust we now have with our game masters.
The game of Assassin has forever been stained with this tragedy, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to recover. The fraud haunts my dreams, and I, like many of my peers, have had my innocence crushed under the ruthless disregard for imaginary human life that these game masters have demonstrated. This is why I write these glorious words so that future generations will not commit the mistakes of their ancestors.
Now please excuse me, my emotions have gotten the best of me, and I could use a good cry.