Jared Kushner fails to disclose his cards to Xi Jinping in game of Go Fish
Jared Kushner fails to disclose his cards in a tense game of Go Fish with Chinese President Xi Jinping, almost causing a US-China War.
Jinping was reportedly considering rolling in the tanks after he discovered the betrayal.
“What kind of simpleton doesn’t disclose all of his cards in a game that’s predicated on telling the opponent your cards,” Jinping fumed in a joint press conference.
“Gee whizz, I guess I just didn’t understand the game,” Kushner said. “Disclosing cards is tough, huh? Has anyone seen Ivanka?”
The White House defended Kushner, citing the difficulty of Go Fish as well as Kushner’s fuzzy memory.
“I don’t see the point of ‘disclosure,’” President Trump tweeted at 2:53 a.m. last night. “I think Jared was just winning!”
Leaks from within the administration tell a different story.
“This is why no one plays with him,” White House Chief of Staff John Kelly mumbled as he scrolled through Craigslist job listings.
Kushner-Gate has derailed Trump’s highly anticipated trip to Asia, where he hopes to demonstrate a third-grade level knowledge of geography.
“No wonder they have a trade deficit with us,” Jinping said. “How hard is it to count how many queens you have?”
Jinping appears to be a sore loser. All’s well that ends well, however.
Robert Mueller publicly invited Kushner to join his Tuesday games night with Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort and Carter Page. Let the games begin!
School invites Steve Bannon to talk about new cookbook
Steve Bannon spoke about his newest cookbook Bonbons with Bannon: Desserts That’ll Make You Desert the White House at an all-school assembly last Monday. After outcry from all six conservative students, the school invited Bannon to speak. Bannon is the czar of Breitbart, the news equivalent of if an orange threw up MySpace’s web design.
“After the immeasurable amount of backlash over our lack of conservative speakers, we simply needed to,” the administration admitted in an email to the 99% liberal student body.
Bannon stirred the pot, so to speak, by weighing in on the pineapple pizza debate.
“I’m a journalist, so I can’t lie. I guess I’ll go out and say it then. Pineapple on pizza is God’s work!” Bannon declared.
Audience members viscerally reacted with some standing up in solidarity. Protestors, however, were confused because they were already sitting down.
“We’re working on our new advocacy group, ‘Stand With Pineapple Pizza,’” Bill Munich said. “That obviously doesn’t take precedent over our efforts to have Paul Ryan lead a cross-fit tutorial for Memorial Day. It’s honor of the boys overseas, you know?”
Bannon’s appearance was necessary for students to listen to divergent political views, the administration said.
“I’m glad after all of our lobbying they finally let us talk about conservatism,” Munich said, “Did you hear him just totally go after liberals? Pineapple Lives Matter, am I right?”
Bannon artfully name-dropped politicians he hoped the audience knew in a searing political critique.
“Trump’s chocolate cake was probably only an eight out of ten, Paul Ryan likes black licorice and Donna Brazille puts milk in the bowl before cereal!” Bannon exclaimed. “Buy my book at Barnes and Noble, only $19.95.”