The Indu-sputed truth: Part 4

Trump, Bannon engage in gentleman’s duel

President Trump challenged former Chief Strategist Stephen Bannon to a gentleman’s duel in the White House Rose Garden on Tuesday.
“Steve hurt my feelings!” Trump tweeted. “There is no truth to his claims. I have the smartest and loyalest administration in history!”
Wayne LaPierre of the NRA personally supplied Trump and Bannon with dueling guns.
“Karen and I would just be so devastated if Donald didn’t make it out of this one,” Vice President Mike Pence said, gesturing to the handcuffs between him and his wife. “It’s not like we have ‘President Pence: Bringing the 6th Century Back’ on buttons already or anything like that. Go Trump!”
White House staff invited the Fake News Media to watch the duel, describing it as “UFC meets that one scene of Hamilton” in invitations.
“We’re airing a duel analysis ahead of the fight complete with usage of holograms and we already have a cute, little countdown clock in the bottom of the screen,” CNN’s only recognizable reporter Jake Tapper said giddily.
Tensions between these besties seem to have boiled over some locker room talk.
“You were my brother, Donald!” Bannon screeched before the duel. “You were supposed to destroy the establishment, not join them!”
Mitch McConnell officiated the duel as part of his official duties as Senate Majority Leader.
He and Senator Orrin Hatch also chaired the Cleaning Committee and concessions stand.
The duel will air on primetime next Tuesday. Michael Wolff is expected to commentate.

Student vows to up SoulCycle to six days a week

It’s that time of the year again! Val Lee has vowed to turn up her SoulCycle regimen to six days a week as her New Year’s resolution.
“Twice a week wasn’t cutting it,” Lee said, pausing to chug a Pressed Juice. “I’m not living my best life!”
SoulCycle WEHO agreed to reserve a bike for her seshes.
“I just love Val’s energy when she steps on the bike,” a mononymous SoulCycle instructor Michael said. “She’s our only rider for our Kanye vs Taylor ride at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday. I’m looking forward to unlocking her full potential!”
Lee turned to SoulCycle after her previous years’ failed resolutions.
“I tried hot yoga last year, but it was too much commitment to choose between Bikram and Hot 8,” Lee said. “I did Instagram hiking the year before but after posting like six pictures at Runyon, it got kinda tacky.”
Other students have also decided to pursue athletic resolutions this year.
“I started going to the gym so I could send Snapchat streaks from there,” Bebe Sic said, while deciding between the dog and flow crown filters.
One sophomore attempted to run up and down the Seaver stairs for exercise, but a senior kicked them down the stairs after they tried doing it between first and second period.
“I really wanted start weight lifting,” Brandon Boder said. “But since Amazon started delivering groceries, what’s the point in being swole? Picking up Gelson’s grocery bags for my mom was my only opportunity to flex.”
It’s all about the summer Instagram aesthetic.

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