Jewish students protest War on Hanukkah
Jewish students protest the school’s War on Hanukkah. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, indeed.
Students claim that the school is placating snowflakes by including Christmas decorations in the lounge.
“People are too afraid to say ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ these days,” Brent Wood said, flailing around his Starbucks peppermint mocha.
Students also complained the school is shifting toward a more secular holiday celebration.
“What’s next?” Ira Nee yelled during the advocacy group’s picket line protest. “No more menorahs? What about dreidels?”
The movement began Monday when students noticed a Santa Claus cut-out.
“We need to get back to tradition,” Wood said. “What is WinterFest? It’s not even winter yet. Long live Hanukkah Hoedown!”
Bill O’Reilly voiced his support for the movement on Twitter and his prolific new show on New Spin News.
“At least they’re anti-snowflake,” O’Reilly said. “Happy Hakkuna Matata to all my truth-seeking viewers!”
GOP holds contest to guess what’s in tax reform bill
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced a nationwide contest to guess what’s in their newest tax reform bill.
“This is part of our populist revolution: getting the people involved in government,” a Paul Ryan hand puppet said in a press conference.
Senators spent most of their time last week in committee meetings scribbling in clauses with crayons, McConnell said.
“Once we decided that we were cutting taxes, the rest just didn’t seem to matter anymore,” Sen. John McCain said to a crowd of his liberal fanboys.
Trump’s White House affirmed the Congressional GOP’s commitment to the voice of the average American in a tweet that probably wasn’t written by his lawyer.
“It reminds me of guessing the number of jellybeans in the class jar during elementary school!” Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos exclaimed. “We still have schools, don’t we?”
Not everyone was pleased with the GOP’s wholesome fun, however.
“I don’t even know what’s in the bill,” Sen. Elizabeth Warren complained. “You think being in the Senate would have its perks in contests like this.”
The prize for correctly guessing an amendment is a 15 percent tax break, if your last name starts with “K” and ends with “-och.”
It’s the thought that counts, right?
Kim Jung Un Delays Nuclear Strike on California
Kim Jung Un decided to delay his nuclear first-strike on Southern California until after the holiday season.
“It’s already raining ash,” Kim complained. “No one would even notice if I did it!”
Pyongyang leadership also cited the preparedness of Los Angeles area residents as a reason for delay.
“They’re already wearing hazmat suits and gas masks,” DPRK Official 1 said. “Why bother?”
President Donald Trump praised Angelinos for “sticking it to Rocket Man” by faking the fire.
“They don’t care about us anymore,” DPRK Official 2 said. “One week it’s like, ‘Oh my god, North Korea is going to kill us all in a fiery destruction!’ The next week it’s like, ‘There’s already fiery destruction!’”
The North Korean government announced renewed efforts to abide by the Paris Agreement this week.
“We can’t keep having global warming show us up,” Kim said in a national address. “We’re supposed to be the world’s greatest existential threat. This is embarrassing!”
It’ll be a sooty winter wonderland one way or another.