The Indu-sputed truth: Part 6

Administration announces 2nd and 4th Wednesday Assemblies

 

After the resounding success of 1st and 3rd Wednesday Assembly, the administration announced its new 2nd and 4th Wednesday Assembly.

“It’s so important to us that we’re together as a diverse and inclusive community every week,” the administration said in an email. “The community bonds we nurture in these cozy moments is the Mission Statement.”

The school has received pushback from the Center for Disease Control for their expansion of assembly.

“Our research finds that Taper is equivalent to a refugee camp in terms of biohazard danger,” the CDC report concluded. “We think this is the most likely ground-zero for the next bubonic plague outbreak.”

The report also warned of possible amputation risk from losing feeling in your legs.

“The administration is full of luddites,” Snow F. Lake wrote on the official ‘End HW Assembly’ change.org petition, “Have they not heard of email? Five days a week of SoulCycle didn’t prepare me for this level of pain.”

Budding filmmakers in the student body came to the defense of the administration’s controversial new program.

“Muffled volume and bad lighting was the way these promo videos were meant to be watched!” Leaders of Westflix declared at their quad rally. “You don’t understand art, you plebs!”
Some students have responded to the news with innovations.

“I started ‘Billions for Boredom’ to raise funds for students during assembly,” Val Lee, future Harvard applicant noted. “We need real material support like Rubik’s cubes, vuvuzelas, and acai bowls.

Make sure this article turns out well; I’m sending it in to my earlies. It’s called selfless philanthropy.”

¡Viva la libertad!

 

 

 

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Rex Tillerson dies (we think)

 

Rex Tillerson, former CEO of Exxon Mobil and Secretary of State, died Tuesday morning.

The Chronicle could not ascertain whether or not this is factually correct. But, seriously, have you heard anything about this guy? Like ever?

“Rex who?” Chief of Staff John Kelly responded to reporters’ questions about Rex. “Like the dinosaur? The Smithsonian is down the street.”

Tillerson, who was apparently Secretary of State according to Wikipedia, will be succeeded by Mike Pompeii, current Director of the CIA.

“This will be the second Mike in my cabinet,” President Donald Trump tweeted. “We’re calling him Mikey P for short. It’s a great day for America!”

Speculation surrounds Tillerson’s cause of death. Some have accused Russian President Vladimir Putin of nerve-gassing Tillerson.

“Tally-ho?” Putin responded in a press statement. “Don’t you think I have other more important people to nerve-gas?”

Some State Department employees claim that Tillerson was real.

“I swear this isn’t like the Loch Ness Monster,” a State Department staff member said, holding back tears. “Tilly was my friend! And, no, he wasn’t imaginary. #neverforget”

The Chronicle attempted to interview another State Department employee, but we could only find one guy in a fetal position and Jared Kushner staring at a wall with a half-smile.

“It’s a ghost town!” the staff member raved. “Can you feel him? Can you feel Tilly’s spirit?”

Rex Wayne Tillerson, we tried to remember you. Rest in peace.

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