By Nuriel Moghavem
There is a horrible scent in the quad. It makes puppies cry, babies scream and apple pies burn. It smells like an abandoned seafood market next to a burning pig farm. It is the stench of decomposition, of rotting and of a tyranny that threatens our sovereignty.
It is a silent threat to democracy all around us, an odor unparalleled in American history. And we citizens may have to take the matter into our own hands if the present administration continues to do nothing about it.
Our fine and glorious nation was founded on the principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. While The Stench has yet to threaten anyoneâs life, it has put the studentsâ liberty and happiness in limbo. Freedom-lovers have to alter their routes in order to avoid its oppression. Innocent students walking from Munger to Rugby burst into tears at the slightest whiff of The Stench. Students in the quad with ever-decreasing liberties will soon have to move to the patio over the field to make out if The Stench gets any worse.
Meanwhile, our administration is focused on foreign conquests and nation-building.
Weâre mired in todayâs version of Vietnam, the middle school Modernization Project (which, as we know, is all about oil anyway). It has rendered us incapable of tackling issues at home, important issues like The Stench and trivial ones like the workload, school spirit or the sense of community.
The Stench, or âthe work of Satan,â besmirches the schoolâs reputation as well. How many Harvard-Westlakians reading this column have been ridiculed at a party for being smelly, reeking, infused with The Stench? I know I have.
The source of The Stench is hotly contested, though it is said that it may be some species of tree. If this is true, we have no choice but to preemptively cut down all trees on 3700 Coldwater Canyon to ensure that The Stench doesnât take over. Scientists tell me that trees have the potential to multiply and spread like wildflowers. If this is the case, we will have to fight them here so that we will not have to fight them at home. Weâll have to fight them now so our children wonât have to fight them in the future.
The environmentalists may say that we canât cut down the trees. Theyâll whine that trees are good for us, good for the animals that live in them and good for the ecosystem. Hereâs what I say to those cowardly tree-huggers: Youâre either with us, or youâre with The Stench.
This is not a time for weakness. This is the decisive aromatic struggle of the 21st century and we must prevail over The Stench to preserve civilization as we know it.Â
We must take action. The Harvard-Westlake Vigilante Air Control is being formed so that we students can take matters into our own hands and counter the odor apathy of the current administration.
Like the valiant Minutemen defending our nationâs borders from immigrant infidels, members of HWVAC will take it upon themselves to rid our homeland of this most evil foe.
The Stench has had free reign over the quad for long enough.
We must unite now to defeat it because if we donât, weâre letting The Stench win.