It was a Friday evening after school when Walter*, an eighth grader at the time, sat in his living room watching thedrama show “ER” with his mother. During the episode, a scene was shown in which a character came out as homosexual and kissed another male character. Disgusted, his mother immediately turned off the TV, calling the behavior unacceptable and unnatural.
A year earlier, during quarantine, several of Walter’s friends had come out as LGBTQ+, prompting him to question his own identity, he said. After much self-reflection, he realized he was bisexual. However, having been raised in a household where homophobic and religious beliefs were deeply ingrained, he had long been surrounded by anti-LGBTQ+ rhetoric. The thought of being anything other than heterosexual terrified him.
That night, he decided to challenge his mother’s words, but the conversation quickly escalated into an emotional argument that ended in tears. Having recently come to the realization that he was bisexual, at that moment, he accepted that he would have to keep his identity hidden at home. Walter is out to the school community, but has chosen to stay closeted at home. Walter said he struggled to accept his own identity because of the values of his household.
“It was difficult to figure out who I was,” Walter said. “Not only did I have people at home telling me that being gay was bad, but there was also a lot of stigma surrounding being gay at my elementary school. In middle school, I remember times that I was bullied because people just speculated I may be gay. Eventually, I learned to love that aspect about myself. I realized that it’s not as insane as people make it out to be, and it shouldn’t be stigmatized.”
Walter’s situation is not uncommon. Only 38% of LGBTQ+ youth consider their home to be a safe space, according to the 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Young People, conducted by the Trevor Project.
A study from the National Library of Medicine found that one-third of LGBTQ+ individuals choose to conceal their identity until they become adults. Gender and Sexuality Awareness (GSA) Affinity Group Leader Clara Berg ’25 said she had a hard time hiding her identity and that coming out has been comforting to her.
“It was really draining to hide my sexuality,” Berg said. “I’m still closeted to my extended family, but being out to my immediate family has been a relief. It’s been an exhale. Trying to live day-to-day pretending to be straight takes up a lot of energy. It’s like you’re carrying this weight on your shoulders. It’s not healthy, but it is also sometimes what people have to do because it’s safer than coming out, or it’s more comfortable than being out because of the shame they feel about their identity.”
Director of HW Media and Interdisciplinary Studies and Independent Research Teacher Jen Bladen, now 52, said she has suffered the negative mental health effects of staying closeted for decades.
“When I was first diagnosed with remitting recurring major depressive disorder (rMDD), I was 38,” Bladen said. “But, my physician said based on my symptoms and what I had told her, I suffered from it since high school. My depression and living a closeted life are very much linked. The fact that it took me so long to get help is a signal of my denial and masking from when I was passing as straight.”
When Bladen first started working at the school in 2006, very few people knew that she was bisexual. After taking a break from teaching in 2014, she returned to the school in 2020. Bladen said she promised herself she would be honest about her identity when she returned.
“I wanted to be open about my identity because the stakes are so high for queer students,” Bladen said. “I wanted to put a safe space sticker in my window and make sure my students felt safe. We know so much more now about what [queer students] have to go through. I don’t think I had a single queer teacher, so it was hugely important for me to change that for my students.”
Berg said the moment when she realized she was a lesbian, she recalled feeling a wave of shame and disappointment come over her as she struggled to reconcile with the fact that the life she had planned for herself would be unachievable.
“It took me a really long time to realize I was a lesbian,” Berg said. “I was attracted to women long before I realized I was lesbian. In 2021, I came out to both of my parents as pansexual, and neither of them cared, which was the reaction I was looking for. It still took me a couple years for me to realize and feel comfortable with the fact that I’m not attracted to men at all. It was daunting for me to accept I’m never going to be able to have biological children with my loved one. There was a lot of fear and self doubt I felt before coming out as a lesbian. I felt disappointed in myself for being a lesbian, which is terrible, and I’m really glad that I no longer feel [that way].”
Walter said it has become second nature for him to change the way he acts in order to conceal his sexuality at home and other uncomfortable settings.
“ I’ve naturally learned to code switch since I’m not out at home,” Walter said. “ There are also many social situations where I feel myself try to make my voice deeper or try to suppress my gayness, out of a fear of being judged. For example, if I’m paired in a group project with a bunch of straight men I don’t know, I don’t want the first thing they think of me to be, ‘Oh, this is the gay kid.’ So, I change the way I speak, walk differently or just try to act ‘less gay’.”
Male high school students frequently used the word gay to degrade their peers and was synonymous with being labeled as feminine, according to a 2014 study conducted by Pesola McEarchen, under the Lynn School of Education at Boston College.
. Moreover, 75% of teenage boys were found to be involved in homophobic teasing, according to a 2020 survey from the American Journal of Preventive Medicine . Walter said although many gay jokes are dismissed as friendly teasing, they play a role in perpetuating homophobia.
“As much as we think we’re moving in a more progressive manner and becoming more accepting of all types of people, there are still many gay jokes that permeate throughout the straight community,” Walter said. “These jokes make it seem like using this language isn’t harmful. When confronted, people who make the jokes always say, ‘it’s not like that,’ but normalizing them leads to more harmful comments. It adds to the stigma of being queer.”
Berg said trying to combat the widespread prevalence of gay jokes is difficult due to their deep-rooted presence in heterosexual culture and the uncomfortable nature of confrontation.
“When I overhear someone say ‘that’s so gay,’ it’s always tempting for me to butt in and tell them that it’s not okay to say things like that, but it’s unrealistic to be able to do that every time,” Berg said. “How you react is important in setting the tone. If you feel comfortable, a tiny confrontation can be beneficial. But just take the steps you can, and if that’s giving a weird look, then I think that is a step in the right direction.”
Walter said most people who make gay jokes automatically associate being gay with femininity, looking past the large spectrum of queer identities.
“Many people have a preconceived notion of what being gay is,” Walter said. “They don’t realize that there is a spectrum. There are the stereotypical feminine gay men, masculine gay men and a whole range [of others] in between. When they think of gay men, they think of femininity, and see it as attack to their masculinity. They think that the two have to be in a competition with each other. A lot of straight men who are fearful of coming off as feminine contribute to stigmatizing it through these jokes and hate.”
Trevor Project data shows that 48% of bisexual teens seriously considered suicide in 2023, as compared to 37% of gay and lesbian teens and 14% of straight teens. Walter said he has noticed that even within the LGBTQ+ community, biphobia has increased.
“I’ve experienced a lot of biphobia just because I’m very feminine,” Walter said. “People don’t believe that bisexuality exists. They view it as a transition phase. You’re either straight and pretending, or you’re on the transition to being fully gay and in denial. People have told me I don’t like women and to stop lying to myself. It sucks that it happens within the LGBTQ+ community because we already have so many enemies on the outside trying to beat us down. To have people within the community also beating us down just makes existing just so much harder.”
Like Walter, Bladen said she has experienced much invalidation of her bisexual identity at the hands of some of her close friends.
“Growing up, I had male gay friends and female lesbian friends who told me I wasn’t queer, who told me that bisexuality wasn’t real,” Bladen said. “I had to pick a side, so I suffered from a lot of self-hatred. I went through a lot of denial and self loathing because I believed my friends. I had a good friend named Jeff who was gay. When I [told him I was bisexual], he said, ‘Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t be both [gay and straight], that’s not a thing.’”
Walter said he does not believe it is necessary for queer people to come out to their loved ones as long as they are content with their current situation.
“There’s a lot of pressure for people to come out,” said Walter. “I’m of the belief that coming out isn’t really important. It may feel like a huge hurdle for queer people who think they have to come out to all of their friends and family. I have not come out to anybody in my family yet, but I’m still happy and living my life. Do it if it’ll improve your quality of life, but the most important thing is that you’re happy with yourself and with your life.”
Unlike Walter, Hudson Phillips ’27 has come out many times. Phillips originally came out to her parents as gender-fluid when she was in fourth grade, but experimented with different labels until finally coming out as a transgender woman in 2021. Phillips began taking puberty blockers in 2022, and began receiving estrogen shots in Jan. 2023. Phillips said her parents have stood with her throughout the process of figuring out her identity.
“Having accepting parents is one of the most important factors in the quality of a queer kid’s life,” Phillips said. “It means so much to get the support you need as a queer kid. Being able to talk to my parents about who I am is so important to me. Hearing that your parents, who are supposed to love you unconditionally, don’t believe you or won’t support you can be so harmful because so many young people seek validation from their parents.”
Phillips said legislation blocking gender affirming medical care for minors could be detrimental to the mental health of many other trans youth.
“Because my parents are supportive, I have been able to go on gender affirming medical care,” Phillips said. “It is incredibly scary and horrifying to see the same care I receive being denied to other young trans people across the country because I know that receiving this care saved my life. I would be in a very different mental state without it.”
Studies from the National Library of Medicine determined that only one-third of LGBTQ+ youth are accepted by their parents, and queer youth who face parental rejection after coming out are eight times more likely to report attempted suicide and six times more likely to report severe depression. Upper School Counselor Brittany Bronson said growing up in an unsupportive household can be detrimental to an LGBTQ+ youth’s mindset and mental development.
“For any child, whether or not they are queer, it is essential to grow up in a family environment that is warm, loving and accepting,” Bronson said. “ It’s important because your parents help you to develop your sense of self. Having to keep a huge part of your identity hidden is painful. It causes queer youth to have a negative self image, and to be harsh on themselves. They think that they’re not good enough by just being who they are. It teaches them that they need to put on a facade of someone they’re not in order to please their parents or people in general.”
Bronson said many parents are hesitant to accept their queer children because they are afraid of the challenges that their children may face.
“My kids are still very young, so as far as I know, they [don’t] really know who they like or how they identify,” Bronson said. “We [as parents] have preconceived ideas of who our children will be. Sometimes, especially in older generations, if a child doesn’t [conform] to the norm, parents tend to be more protective and deny that part of their child. We don’t want our children to struggle, and we know being queer is hard. There’s a grief that the parent goes through because they have to accept that their child’s life won’t look the way they thought it would. The hope is that parents can bounce back and be like, ‘It doesn’t matter. I love you anyway.’”
Walter said he wishes he could be open about his true self without facing any consequences.
“I already don’t really talk to my family about my personal life,” Walter said. “So even if I could come out to them, it wouldn’t change anything. I do wish I was closer with my family members, so I could kind of share that part of my life with them and have somebody within my family to talk to. Since I’m bisexual, if I end up marrying a woman, then it won’t matter. If I marry a man, then I’ll inevitably have to come out to my parents. I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it, but as of right now, I don’t plan on coming out to them.”
Phillips said coming out is a nuanced process that has the capacity to permanently alter a child’s relationship with their parents.
“Coming out can be an incredibly positive experience in which you come away from it feeling like you can be more open with your parents and you now have a support system that fully understands you,” Phillips said. “It can also be an incredibly negative experience and drive a divide between parents and their children. It can make parents feel like their kid is being irrational and make the kid feel like their parents don’t care about them. I have witnessed firsthand how bad young queer kids’ mental health can become when parents aren’t accepting. No matter what, coming out dramatically shifts a parent-child relationship, and it’s up to the parents to decide if it’s for better or for worse.”
