It is a Friday night and Siena Griswold ’26 is standing outside her best friend’s house. She lets herself inside, as she always does, excited to see her friend after months of missed calls and busy schedules. Griswold has been coming to this house for seven years — finding her way around isn’t difficult. She searches the entire house before her friend calls to tell her that she has ditched their plans for a party across town. As she walks into the bedroom, she realizes how much the room has changed since they were kids. Griswold said that night helped her come to the realization that her friendship was not as strong as it used to be.
“It was a turning point for me, and I had registered that we had both grown so much since we were kids,” Griswold said. “We had been drifting for a while, and it got to the point where I couldn’t consider her one of my best friends anymore. I knew [our friendship] was over for a while, but I had been holding on to the friendship we had when we were 10.”
A “friendship breakup” is the dissolving or decline of a close relationship with a friend, according to Forbes. They can be sudden or gradually occur over time. While less covered by media than romantic breakups, friendship breakups can be emotional and hard to navigate. As many as 70% of close friendships and 52% of other social connections, like acquaintances or coworkers, fade after seven years, according to Forbes. Friendships can end for many reasons like moving cities, schools or having changes of interest.
Griswold said that her best friend slowly became a negative example in her life.
“Our relationship had not only become a bad influence on me, but I also didn’t feel like I could be myself around her anymore,” Griswold said. “It was really hard for me to tell her I felt like our friendship was over because we had been through so much together. Part of us both knew that we had been drifting apart because I had told her I was unhappy in the past, but I didn’t have it in me to tell her I didn’t want to be friends anymore plainly.”
Like Griswold, many people find the confrontation of ending a friendship to be the most difficult part. 39% of people reported being ghosted by a friend, according to a study by The New York Times. “Ghosting” is the sudden ending of all contact and communication with another individual without any warning or clarification, according to Merriam-Webster. Ending friendships through ghosting can often create even more tension between the two people involved and leave one party with many unanswered questions, according to The New York Times.
Francesca Varese ’26, who also went through a friendship breakup with her best friend, said that she never understood what happened between them.
“My best friend and I always had tons of classes together and did almost every activity together for as long as I can remember,” Varese said. “We were inseparable. When we got to high school, we were put in different classes, and she suddenly stopped speaking to me all together. I never understood what made her do that, because she never told me what I had done wrong. It was a really hard time for me. I also felt cut off from the rest of my friend group, because they all just stopped talking to me without reason. I did not really have anyone to lean on because my best friend was gone.”
When friendships waver, it can be difficult to find a person to talk to, as many people would typically go to a friend when put in an emotionally challenging situation, according to Charlie Health. Friendship breakups can often create tension between mutual friendships as well. This strain can further separate a person from their other friendships and leave them without emotional support.
Upper School Counselor Michelle Bracken said students frequently visit her when dealing with stressful situations involving friends.
“I often talk with students about friends and social issues,” Bracken said. “I help the student recognize that friendships change a lot during high school and talk about what qualities they want in a friend, and what qualities they have to offer or things they want to change about themselves. My biggest role is just to listen and support the student in their emotions surrounding their grief.”
Bracken said the best way to cope when dealing with a friendship breakup is to recognize what went wrong in the relationship.
“Loneliness is a real emotion that many young people struggle with,” Bracken said. “When you are feeling lonely, it is hard to see that there is a way to find your people. I try to brainstorm and find ways to make connections, rebuild friendships and look for opportunities to find people who like similar activities. It is hard to move from the comfort of friendships that have gone badly [to] putting yourself out there and making new friends. I try to help students focus on how they can improve their own qualities and learn from their previous relationships and what not to do [in the future].”
Friendship breakups are an extremely common phenomenon, especially during major changes in life, according to Vogue. Finding people to confide in is an important part of moving on and can help with navigating the challenges that going through a breakup may entail, according to the magazine Elle.
Many friendships tend to fade out when the individuals turn 25 because of jobs and other responsibilities, according to Vogue. This is a result of changing priorities and reduced time allowed for cultivating friendships.
Bracken said she sees friendships end for many reasons, and there is often no clear reason why people stop being friends.
“There are many reasons why friendships end and change during high school,” Bracken said. “The most common reason is that someone says or does something that is hurtful. For example, one member of a friend group invites everyone [except] one of the members of the group, and no one says anything. That person doesn’t always know why they weren’t included. Sometimes there are big events, like a verbal disagreement, and friends just stop talking to each other.”
Female and male friendships can differ greatly in the way the individuals interact with each other and show their appreciation toward one another. Female friendships are more likely to be dependent on communication and deeper emotional investments while male friendships are typically based on shared interests and activities, according to Psychology Today.
Female friendships rely heavily on vulnerability and honesty. Women have been found to communicate more frequently and honestly about their feelings with friends than men, according to the Institute for Family Studies. Conversely, men found it more uncomfortable to talk about their emotions with their friends. It is more likely that men will partake in activities together than engage in heartfelt discussions. This shared interest in certain activities can help facilitate similar mindsets and paths of growth, leading to less emotionally complicated friendships.
Ryder Katz ’25 said he has multiple friendships that have lasted for over eight years and is able to maintain a close relationship with friends who attend other schools.
“I have had a few friendships that have lasted since kindergarten,” Katz said. “ A couple [of them] still go to Harvard-Westlake, so I am very close with them and there are also some that I see every few months. [We have still] stayed in contact over the past years. What has made these friendships so strong is probably the fact that over time you just become more comfortable [with each other]. With a newer friend, you’re hesitant about some things and don’t [feel comfortable] showing your full self.”
Katz said that he and his friends often arrange activities to center plans around and that he rarely engages in emotional conversations with friends or peers.
“Sometimes there’s a structured activity and sometimes not,” Katz said. “Recently, my friends and I have been golfing, playing poker and cooking steaks. Those have been fun and definitely are [more] fun to do together. My friends and I never really have talks about our emotions. If we do at all, it’s very infrequently.”
Palisades High School Senior Michael Conner ’25 said he is able to maintain close friendships with friends even after transferring to a different school by making time to see each other often.
“I would say I kept such strong connections with my friends by being present during hangouts on weekends, breaks, and in the summer,” Conner said. “The more memories you create with people the better friends you become so I just look to create as many memories as I can with the time I have with them.”
Males are less likely to feel a strong need for intimate discussions with friends or to talk through difficult lifestyle changes among each other, according to Psychology Today. This lack of emotional intimacy can potentially result in males feeling more secure in relationships even while going long periods of time without talking to or seeing one another, according to Psychology Today.
Conner said he and his friends hardly ever discuss their emotions with each other because none of them have ever felt the need to talk about emotional issues.
“My friends and I don’t really talk about emotions with each other,” Conner said. “If one of my friends approached me to talk about their emotions, I would be happy to help, but it just doesn’t seem like it is a thing we do. It is probably just to fit the societal norm that guys shouldn’t talk about [their] feelings and should just tough it out. I would say I feel comfortable talking about anything with my best friends. It just doesn’t really come up.”
The degree to which people tend to share their emotions with each other is higher in friendships than in relationships, according to The Advocate. This level of emotional intensity can result in the aftermath of friendship breakups to be very challenging.
Varese said her breakup with her friend was more difficult for her to get over than a romantic breakup because she never thought her best friend was capable of ignoring her.
“This experience was harder for me than any actual breakup because it’s harder to approach why things went wrong in the first place with friends,” Varese said. “You expect for things to go wrong with relationships because your high school relationships aren’t necessarily meant to last forever. With friends, you go into the friendship expecting it to last forever. It can be really hard to come to terms with.”
Contrasting with Varese, Allison Firtel ’27 said her experience with friendship breakups have been less challenging than her experience with relationship breakups because the bonds she had with friends felt less intense.
“To me, relationship breakups are much more difficult emotionally,” Firtel said. “A romantic relationship is on a different level because you create a closer bond in comparison to a typical friendship. It is more common for me to still have the thought of wanting to be friends [after a] friendship breakup. With a relationship break up, I wouldn’t want a relationship with that same person again, and depending on the way things ended, I wouldn’t necessarily want to have a friendship either.”
Firtel said friendship breakups don’t have to end with animosity between the people involved and are a natural part of getting older.
“[My] friendship ending was not really a breakup but was simply diverging to part ways,” Firtel said. “I peacefully talked to my close friend and my mom about it. I feel like friendships ending are pretty common. When people get older, they develop changes in [their] personalities, wants and needs. I haven’t experienced a friendship breakup to the lengths of never speaking again or having any sort of bad blood.”
Michaela Williams ’26 said she experienced a friendship breakup without any bad feelings toward the other person but just needed space from them to grow after being put into a new environment.
“This breakup was more for myself than any kind of [argument] between us,” Williams said. “I just needed to grow, and it required me to go through different things in order to get there. The ending of our friendship wasn’t definitive, as we do talk through social media sometimes. [I think] it was also important for her to grow too, and it’s okay to rekindle friendships after everyone has matured and found their own people as well.”
