By Nuriel Moghavem

Fellow students, I have heard things. Horrible things. Things that go against the very spirit of this school, things that violate the precepts that have kept us a proper institution of learning for so many years, things that will indubitably ruin us.

I’ll break it to you slowly, friends. Subversives within our community have proposed lighthearted post-AP senior seminars. For those of you who have already grabbed your pitchforks, ready to impale all those responsible, take a moment to simmer down. It does not take a sharp mind such as my own to realize what a simple load of poppycock, pure fiddle-faddle, this is.

This curriculum of indoctrination, this program of propaganda, makes a mockery of proper education and of our glorious nation.

Courses like “Venezuelan Culture” have been proposed by The Communist Worker’s Party of Harvard-Westlake, obviously a closes friend of our national enemy, Hugo Chavez. “Hiking in Nepal,” another seminar proposed by the Reds, is clearly a front to support Nepalese Maoists. For all we know, sacrilegious and radical courses such as “Evolution 101” or “Global Warming Exists” might even be offered! Profane drivel!

But beyond the evil, anti-capitalist agenda of the pro-seminarist subversives, there lies an even more nefarious design. The heretics are looking to undermine the magnificent culture of pride for education that the students of this school have been instructed to hold dear.

Harvard-Westlake spends years molding us into the perfect students. Our personalities are modified to optimize our performance, ensuring our eternal happiness.

Allow me a metaphor, O my brothers: our school is a blessed exorcist. It expels the demons within us – learning for the sake of knowledge, a lighthearted approach to education, an urge for leisure – and brings us the true faith. Following the canon of our college-prep academy, we focus on our studies with discipline so that we can reach nirvana – the Ivy League.

Now, these scholastic infidels with their blasphemous proposal are undoing the work of the founding fathers of our educations. They’re unraveling our souls in favor of intellectual anarchy.

Can we allow this to stand? Can we allow a school in which students learn for the sake of knowledge, ignoring what will be on tests or examinations? Can we allow a school in which students can have a moment of relaxation, wasting precious study time?

The Communist Party has even proposed a screening of the 1980s film (and rallying point for teenage hooligans) “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” a blatant attempt to undermine the spirit of our school.

Her idea of a perfect school is one in which every student has a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California, enormous shoulder pads, and a wild sense of adventure. A communist’s paradise, in short.

We cannot allow these senior seminars to take place! We seniors will be gone next year, but we must ensure that the wonderful, beautiful, capitalist Harvard-Westlake we know will live on for eternity!

Students of the world, unite!