According to Niche.com, our school ranks #1 in “Best Private High Schools in the Los Angeles Area.” Not for long. Ye—Kanye West—has just opened a new school called Donda Academy. Named for his mother, professor Donda West, the school is located in the Simi Valley, a mere 35-minute drive away from our dear school.

According to the school’s website, “each day, Donda students learn fundamentals, grow in their faith and experience two enrichment classes.” While the school is parochial, nearly 100 students pray to Ye in lieu of a more traditional God. Donda Academy is certainly our school’s newest rival, and a formidable one at that.

DaBaby attended a Donda Academy basketball game. I haven’t seen the featured performer —most commonly known from Dua Lipa’s 2020 pop sensation “Levitating”—on our school’s Coldwater campus. School without a celebrity presence just does not make sense. And in terms of the variety of classes, Donda seems to be ahead of us as well.

Donda offers “World Language, Visual Art, Film, Choir and Parkour.” While our school does offer courses in the first four disciplines, all can agree that parkour is truly a subject at which this school’s students need to improve. Although our school’s students seem to have some extracurriculars, they all secretly hope to add parkour to their college applications.

And let’s not forget the obvious: Donda Academy was founded by a Presidential candidate from the Birthday Party. First of all, one can only imagine that Donda’s administration mimics the ol’ US of A’s. Second of all, the Birthday Party? Is there any more fitting political party for the leader of a school? Ye clearly loves children. Harvard School for Boys was founded by Grenville C. Emery, a mere educator. How many Twitter followers did old Emery have? 31 million less than Ye, that’s for sure. And he wasn’t even verified.

The most telling aspect of the Donda Academy experience is the non-disclosure agreement that everyone affiliated with the institution has to sign. How is it possible that our school is so uneventful that not a single student or faculty member had had to sign non-disclosure agreements?

As for academic rigor, Ye claimed, according to The Cut, that teachers can “actually turn your kids into, like, geniuses.” Our school’s teachers merely make the school experience “special” and “joyful,” according to the school’s website.

To the parents of our school: Please keep your children enrolled here. While all of the evidence points towards a switch to Donda as being a good idea, and Donda’s sports Instagram account is followed by the official YEEZY MAFIA account, rest assured knowing that doves, Donda’s mascot, are typically defeated by wolverines.