Take a look at the websites of Phillips Academy — Andover, Phillips Academy — Exeter or any other school that begins with “Phillips” and ends with the name of a town in the Northeast. You’ll see an array of exciting, nay, invigorating activities both athletic, as well as non-athletic for those of us who dabble in the athletics of the mind. If the school doesn’t want to lose its coveted first place — sorry, make that second place — spot on niche.com, it needs to step up its extracurricular offerings or risk losing 43% of its student body, according to very real Chronicle statistical analysts. Here are our expert suggestions, as members of the school’s Speech and Debate program, on how the school can improve its athletic program.

Curling

We’re not talking about all the capabilities of the Dyson Airwrap. We’re talking about the most scintillating sport, the sport that stars in everyone’s favorite quadrennial sporting event: the Winter Olympics. Curling is an athletic pursuit that requires just a small broom and jumbo-sized pucks — imagine air hockey, and…that’s all that we were able to gauge about curling from our two internet searches. 

Bobsledding

You may be confused by what this sport is, and so were we. We initially thought it was an ill-advised pop culture reference to Bob Ross’s famous portrayal of a sled. However, it actually involves a racecar that glides over the ice. Still confused? You’re not alone. A Chronicle poll (yes, yet another –– we are very active Google Forms users) indicated that 12% of the student population knows what the sport is and 0.3% did not get that knowledge from “Cool Runnings.” 

Crew

 You may be asking yourself, “Wherever will these students take to the seas?” Well, look no further than our very own Studio City. The LA River, right in our backyard, may be seen these days as the city’s drainage ditch, but just close your eyes for a second. Listen to the screams of drowned River Park protesters, take in the scent of the cafeteria’s signature chicken dumplings and picture Harvard-Westlake students splashing around in the polluted water, contracting Giardia. All of the above are, of course, necessary to the culture of the rowing program. Let’s also acknowledge the elephant in the room: crew looks great on those college apps.

Milking

While most people wouldn’t consider milking a sport, it’s basically the same thing as weight training — it targets your biceps, triceps and mind-ceps. This is a great idea for two reasons: (a) milk fosters school pride (as demonstrated by the milk mile) and (b) milking cows is a great secondary source of income for the school. There can never be too much money available to purchase sweatsuits for our incredibly successful Division 8 football team. Who are the customers for Harvard-Westlake branded milk? Erewhon customers (also known as the student body).