————TIFFANI————

31 years ago, Harvard and Westlake came together in holy matrimony to form Harvard-Westlake (because ladies first means nothing here apparently), and they’ve been together ever since. That’s 31 years too many. Hi, I’m Tiffani, and we need to separate the schools again.

Look, I have nothing against guys, but they suck. They’re LAZY. Hypothetically speaking, they say they’ll meet you at a fancy restaurant, like world famous Italian restaurant Mangiano’s, at 7:00, and they don’t come until 7:15, even though Mangiano’s has a specific policy saying you HAVE to arrive at 7:00 or else you’ll look like a fool in front of everyone at Mangiano’s.

Also, a lot of guys are uncultured. Imagine this: you’re in the car, absolutely jammin’ out to some 2000s music. Then, pop sensation Justin Bieber comes on singing “Baby.” You think everything is normal, until Ludacris’ rap starts and he is SILENT. He DOESN’T know the rap. What am I supposed to do with that? 

————CHAD————

Hi, I’m Chad, and I support the separation of the women from the men. Complaint number 1: girls are too hard on us men. For some of us, it takes a long time to carefully cream and comb our spiky hair. I don’t shower beforehand so it’ll be stiff, like a fresh pair of jean shorts I want show off. That means when you change the Mangiano’s reservation from 7:15 to 7:00 with only 40 minutes notice (FULLY KNOWING it takes me an hour to tame this beast of a mane), I’m going to be late.

It’s this time commitment that inhibits me from spending time with the Biebs. That doesn’t make me a non-Belieber. ALSO, I prioritize learning Bieber’s lyrics, not Luda’s.

Furthermore, can we just talk about how some girls always are talking to Jared when they should be hanging out with their boyfriends? Jared’s hair isn’t even that spiky. I wish I had that kind of confidence to not care in the slightest about how I look. Really courageous. I mean, he looks like a guy who orders the house snapper instead of the branzino at classy restaurants like Mangiano’s, a.k.a. a moron

————TIFFANI————

Even though some guys have really good hair, like Jared, we still shouldn’t allow them onto campus. Guys shouldn’t get so upset when we compliment studs like Jared on his hair. Like, we’re just friends doing what friends do: stroking each other’s hair and looking into each other’s eyes. Just because I hold hands and exchange dark secrets with someone else doesn’t mean we’re romantically involved. Moreover, it doesn’t mean I’m cheating, and it doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my boyfriend. It doesn’t mean he gets to break up with me, embarrassing me in front of the ENTIRE wait staff at Mangiano’s, after we ALREADY showed up late to our reservation.

————CHAD————

Worst of all, though, girls think we don’t care. We do. About Mangiano’s. I care about showin’ up, lookin’ like a million bucks for the hostess and the busboys.

————TIFFANI————

I guess I do, though, appreciate how some guys always manage to dress up in their jean shorts for their favorite busboys. It does show they care.

————CHAD————

If I don’t have time to learn a rap, it’s not out of neglect. It’s because I’m busy drawing handlebar mustaches on Jared’s yearbook photo.

————TIFFANI————

And I appreciate how they stick with me even when I try to make them jealous by touching Jared’s (in all honesty) inferior hair.

————CHAD————

Now I’m eating Mangiano’s alone (and it’s my favorite busboy’s day off), and honestly, I want the schools separate because it hurts more to be alone by rejection than by school sanctioned mandate.

————TIFFANI————

Mangiano’s is no fun without spiky hair to admire while devouring my branzino. Now my fish is getting too salty from the tears I’m shedding over a love lost. I don’t know if separating the schools is actually such a good idea.

————CHAD————

I don’t wanna be alone anymore.

————TIFFANI————

I don’t wanna be alone.