For the person who will go bankrupt from their matcha addiction:

Save them from themself and buy them some tea bags. Or better yet, send them a link to the CDC’s “Water and Healthier Drinks” page which touts the many reasons that one should drink water. It is free, does not require a tiny whisk and flows from the taps at our school (for now at least). While a Google search for water does not yield 16 million different ways to combine it with avocado or spirulina like it does for matcha, Kylie Jenner has approved it as a beverage, so skeptics can rest easy: water is officially the “it” drink of winter.

For the person who switched their credit card company to Capital One for the Taylor Swift presale:

Unfortunately Taylor does not currently sell her fingernails or hair on the dark web, but don’t despair! Her favorite fruit is the banana, and those are available at the Ralphs on Coldwater. Will your friend be confused and disappointed by your gift of fruit? Maybe. But you don’t need to bear the burden of their disapproval because, as T-Swizzle said in “King of My Heart,” “Say you fancy me not fancy stuff”… the gift of your presence should be enough. If you have a bad personality though, maybe just buy them tickets to the Eras tour.  Your friend will keep this gift until it rots, or  until the Speak Now re-record is announced… whichever one comes first.

For the person who has been featured on @hwparking a few too many times:

An armored Tesla Model X, with autopilot and Christmas mode. The armor, a feature that Twitter Lord Elon Musk rolled out recently, will save your friend when they inevitably back into the side of the wrestling room.  As for autopilot, they can study for their AP Chemistry test while the car drives itself.  If you don’t have 300 to 500 thousand dollars, just settle for a helmet and cross your fingers.

For the person who taps back to all the messages in a group chat:

This person clearly has too much time on their hands. You should send them my article about Teacher Development Day!

For the person who does an “ask me anything” even though they have 47 followers:

Buy them some more followers. Even better, buy them a blue Twitter verification check mark, and send Elon Musk a thank you note. 

For the person who is impossible to shop for:

Why are you here? Did you think that this gift guide would help you?