Inspired by the brave New York Times strikers, a group of Chronicle staffers have taken to the streets of Studio City. We are fed up with the long hours, brutal labor and toxicity of this work environment. 

Here is our list of demands:

1. Allow Oxford commas.

2. Put fake words in the crossword again. Remember when we just made up words and acronyms because we didn’t understand how to make crossword puzzles? We need to shake things up and keep the student body on its toes.

3. More JFA Shabbat articles. They’re fascinating, groundbreaking pieces of American journalism. 

4. No more Sports section. No one reads the Sports section. No one likes the Sports section. Who even cares about sports? And not to stereotype, but has there ever been an EIC from the Sports section? 

5. We would like to replace our dead pet fish with a new pet lizard. We will name the lizard either Pica or Chumbo — gender irrelevant.

6. Instead of playing the Velvet Underground and Alex G, we should exclusively listen to the Glee cast recordings.

7. Consider letting ChatGPT write more than one article. Empower new writers! 

8. Fire Karen Bass. Now,  this may not be within our jurisdiction; however, I don’t really like her.

9. Provide all staffers with a base salary of three chalky sugar cookies per layout.

10. Lunch break. I’m really hungry right now.

11. Snack break. I will probably be hungry later.

12. Buy a Jo Malone diffuser for the Chronicle rooms.

13. More junior staffers. We’re really running low here. We only have 13…wait, no,  make that 11 I guess.

14. While you’re at it, tell those juniors that a sophomore will probably get EIC over any of them. They’ve really been slacking off.

15. *Demand has been retracted

16. Let us publish fake facts sometimes.

17. Ask Jackson the security guard to not yell at us when we park at the North entrance. He made me cry one time. Parking is hard enough as is.

18. Tell the sophomores to stay home, there are way too many of them hanging around. Don’t they know they can just sign in and leave?

19. Stop playing the World Cup. 

20. Please explain what an Executive Editor is, and then promptly fire any of these so-called “Executive Editors.” 

Striking is exhausting and we would really like to stop, so please just give in to our demands.

All my love,

Chronicle Union Head

Georgia Goldberg