Though we satire staffers are usually very brave and courageous about putting our names on our work, we are also very scared of our teachers getting mad at us.

English:

English II: Learning how to write all things in CCCEE form — including teacher feedback surveys.

Honors English III: 124 was spiteful. You will be too when you get your first essay back.

Honors English Seminar: Don’t forget to tell Upper School English Teachers Jeremy Michaelson and Larry Weber how much you love them today.

Honors English IV: Same House, Different Worlds: Automatic admission into Jasmine Sorgen ’25’s Pride and Prejudice ball.

Honors English IV: Outsiders and Aliens: It lives up to its name! You’ll definitely feel like an outsider for not taking Same House, Different Worlds.

English IV: Criminal Minds: The Calculus and Statistics of the English department.

History:

Honors United States History: A great American president once said, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.” To that, I’d like to say that you’ll go into this class believing in yourself, but it will get you a lot less than halfway there. I’m talking sub good faith effort levels.

AP European History: Your GPA will be as deep in the trenches as the French soldiers were during World War I.

AP United States Government: Are you ready to save democracy with a six source discussion post?

Middle East Studies: Came for Upper School History Teacher Dror Yaron, stayed for Middle East dress up day. Just kidding, they stopped doing that. Now, you juststay for Yaron.

Honors Ethnic and Urban Studies: Upper School History Teacher Larry Klein’s colonized version of AP Human Geography.

Science:

Principles of Engineering: Future MIT students only.

AP Environmental Science: Learn how to attract a mate with a special albatross dance! Oh, and the planet is completely effed. It’s all your fault because of that plastic water bottle.

AP Physics C: Presentations Managing Editor Kriste An ’24 says it’s really easy.

Math:

Precalculus: The Calculus and Statistics of the Math department. It’s funny because Calculus and Statistics is in the math department.

Advanced Precalculus: You’ll be at Math Lab so often it’ll count as an extracurricular on your Common Application.

AP Calculus AB: For seniors: Sorry you didn’t make it to BC! For juniors: Sorry. Just sorry.

Multivariable Calculus: Did you get into MIT?

Honors Topics in Computer Science: If you’re thinking about your GPA, consider it boosted. Mental stability? Not so much.

Honors Economics: Women in STEM.

AP Statistics: The Honor Board has their eyes on you—and your Instagram bio.

Electives:

Cinema Studies I: Even though you’ll sleep through half of it, “Citizen Kane” will become your new favorite movie.

Corequisite: An active Letterboxd account. Visit C1 for more information.

Advanced Performance Studies: An all-encompassing preparation for the real world of showbiz! Need proof? Following in the footsteps of SAG-AFTRA, more than half of the class went on strike this semester, f.

HW Media I-III: In protest of HW Media Advisor Jen Bladen, we’re going to do these classes with their God-given names.

Modern Journalism I-III: Learn how to protest against HW Media Advisor Jen Bladen.

Corequisite: Be an avid listener of Drake and Olivia Rodrigo or watch Assistant News Editor Everett Lakey ’25’s surfing videos religiously.

Yearbook Journalism I-III: It’s exactly like The Chronicle! Only with less tears and more “Holland, My Heart.”

Broadcast Journalism I-III: Early access to Grace Coleman ’24’s matchmaker podcast episodes.

Stagecraft: Forced to donate pee samples for “Urinetown” AND blood samples for “Sweeney Todd.” Which bodily fluid will you have to give away this year?

Musical Theater I: Technique: You’re not going to get the lead in the musical. Please stop trying.

Acting I: No cool people allowed.

Ceramics I: “It’s an easy A!” they say. Editor-in-Chief Ella Yadegar ’24 would disagree.

Video Art I-III: Class roster is a list of applicants for Westflix leadership.

Unconventional Leadership: A conventional way for committed athletes to have an extra A on their transcript.

Memory, the Self, and Society: Do you want to take this class, or do you just have an unhealthy attachment to Dr. Garrison?

Graphic Design Through the Medium of Merch: This is a front for money laundering.

Prefect Council: It’s also an acting class! Candidates trying to act nice when election season comes around, that is.

Directed Study:

Jazz Singers: It’s also an acting class! Isaac Tiu ’24 trying to act like former Presentations Managing Editor Leo Saperstein ’23, that is.

Democracy in Decay: You know the annoying try-hard in your history class? How about 20 of them?

The Election: Still bitter that you didn’t get to go to Iowa, right?

Public Education in America: Learn what happens if your parents don’t pay $46,900 in tuition a year.

Environmental Service at HW: Saving the planet one balloon at a time.

Corequisite: Making it onto the Official™ Prefect Council Hit List. Head Prefect and Print Managing Editor Davis Marks ’24 tells us they’ve been adding names to it ever since former Opinion Editor Georgia Goldberg ’23 wrote an article condemning the Honor Board two years ago.

Venture Beyond: Venture’s latest futile attempt at creating a successful class.

California Studies: Why learn about California when you can learn about Middle School History Teacher Elias Solano’s girlfriend*?

*It’s complicated.