Mary* stared uncomfortably at her phone on her bed, quickly scrolling through notifications from friends and acquaintances asking her what happened at a party the night before. Staring at the ceiling, she began to reflect anxiously about an uncomfortable, non-consensual encounter she had with someone. Confusion began to cloud her thoughts as she tried to remember whether a male peer made an unwanted advance on her, or if she accidentally gave him consent to kiss her.
“So many people after the fact worry, ‘Did I do something to lead the guy on?’ or, ‘Maybe it was my fault because I did this or that,” Mary said. “So many people go through that, but having people remind me [I said] no, or that [I] said stop was super helpful.”
Consent is defined as freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific, according to Planned Parenthood. Consent cannot be given under the influence, because someone under the influence cannot make an informed decision. Upper School Counselor Brittany Bronson said she defines consent as verbal and always revocable, at any point and for any reason.
“Consent means giving permission to do anything [to anyone],” Bronson said. “Consent is permission and that permission can be withdrawn whenever. No means no, there’s no explanation. No is a full sentence. [In terms of] implied consent, when it comes to anything else other than life saving measures, like CPR, that isn’t a thing to me. You need to be able to verbalize [consent].”
After her experience, Mary said individuals should not feel pressured to make decisions regarding consent while under the influence.
“Consent is when someone’s excitedly willing to do something with another person,” Mary said. “If one person is under the influence or incapacitated, and the other person takes advantage of them knowing they’re not [sober], then that’s not [consensual] anymore. It’s somewhat fair to say that a person’s body language gave you the impression [they were consenting], but if at any point someone says, ‘stop’ or ‘don’t’, then [consent] completely goes away. People at parties are excited and looking to do things with people from school, but you still have to be careful and make sure that everybody feels good in the moment.”
Students Against Sexual Violence (SASV) is a student-led organization which offers SAFEBae (Safe Before Anything Else) training and presentations for the student body. These presentations aim to educate students on consent and prevention against sexual violence. SASV Leader Katie Chambers ’25 said groups of friends should look out for each other, especially people who appear uncomfortable or unable to consent.
“Something that’s very important with my friends is always being with each other,” Chambers said. “[We] make sure that everyone is okay and that everyone is always in a safe situation when we’re together. Beyond your friends, as girls we need to keep our eyes on each other and make sure everyone seems like they’re in a situation where they feel safe. If not, I’ve had multiple situations where I’ve stepped in.”
Victims of sexual assault are at a higher risk for developing PTSD, depression and substance abuse disorders, according to Mental Health America. Bronson said feelings associated with assault or harassment are different from person to person.
“There’s a lot of feelings that come with [non-consensual incidents] like embarrassment or fear,” Bronson said. “Some people may not want to be looked at in a certain way, or there might be a sense of denial. A lot of those feelings might prevent people from speaking up. When it comes to [non-consensual incident], know that you would not get in trouble if you were to come to a counselor, dean or trusted adult. The most important thing is to make sure that you are safe and that you are okay.”
Mary said while supporting friends is important, speculating about situations can be unhelpful to those affected.
“People obviously find out if two people hook up at a party, and even more so if they think the situation wasn’t consensual,” Mary said. “In some ways it’s good, because people check in and they are caring, but also, rumors definitely spread. [It’s important] for other people to know that what they see might not always be the full picture. If you see two people hooking up, there could be more to the story. Maybe one person wanted it more than the other, or maybe one person is super under the influence.”
While sexual violence can occur between strangers, approximately 51.1% of female victims reported sexual assault by an intimate partner, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC). Patricia*, who was previously in a relationship in which she felt rushed by her partner to be intimate before she felt ready, said the conversation with her current partner regarding sex came up naturally.
“[Talking about sex] started out very jokingly, and while it is a very serious thing, that’s just how it first got brought up,” Patricia said. “I initiated the conversation, but I never felt rushed. I knew, given that he’s a very respectful person and always asked for consent, that he wouldn’t pressure me. It was maybe awkward for a millisecond, but I remember being taught that if the conversation is awkward, then you’re not actually ready to be intimate.”
Sylvia*, who felt pressured by a male peer she had been talking to engage in sexual activities, said relationship statuses do not change the conditions and requirements of consent.
“Consent is when somebody says yes, but they also absolutely have the right to change their mind,” Sylvia said. “[With relationships], I think that consent still has the same definition. Part of it should also come with respect for the other person as well, and knowing not to cross that boundary with them. Especially if you’re in a relationship, if they say no, no means a no, and you don’t question it.”
Patricia said while some girls may find asking for verbal consent repetitive or unattractive, conversations about consent are still vital in relationships.
“Consent should be talked about even within relationships, including whether a girl wants consent to be a constant conversation, because some girls don’t,” Patricia said. “I know so many girls who really get the ick when a guy says, ‘Can I kiss you?’ and would just prefer that once you’re in a relationship, for those types of questions to stop. However, it’s still a very reversible, retractable thing and should be continually asked.”
A study done by the Kaiser Family Foundation revealed that 33% of sexually active teens reported being in a relationship where they felt pressure to escalate intimacy. While she never ended up engaging in anything she wasn’t ready for, Patricia said her experience feeling pressured by a partner taught her to trust her feelings and stand up for herself in relationships.
“I felt wrong, and I questioned myself and my instincts,” Patricia said. “The experience honestly taught me not to care. It taught me not to care about what other people like or what their timelines are. I’m on my own timeline and I shouldn’t let their timelines affect my emotions and how I feel about myself.”
In 2022, only 22% of rape or sexual assault cases were reported, with victims citing fears of disbelief, perceived ineffectiveness of authorities and the stigma and shame surrounding sexual violence as reasons they stayed silent, according to Bureau of Justice Statistics’ 2022 National Crime Victimization Survey. 64.3% of students said they would feel comfortable reporting sexual assault or misconduct to the school, according to a Chronicle poll. Head of Upper School Beth Slattery said that when dealing with situations in which students were non-consensually assaulted or harassed, her first priority is the safety and health of victims.
“There can be school consequences to assault or harassment allegations. Those are things that are covered in our honor code,” Slattery said. “My priority when you’re talking about disciplinary situations where there is a victim, then the priority has to be the victim. You want to protect the rights of the alleged perpetrator, but at the same time, you also need to make sure that the victim is paramount.”
For any students who were forced into a non-consensual situation, Bronson said the counselors and teachers on campus are resources for those who may want to talk about their experiences with a trusted adult.
“I know there’s a lot of students who might hesitate coming to their counselor, but we’re here to provide support and to be non judgmental,” Bronson said. “Or, if you don’t feel comfortable coming to a counselor, any trusted adult, or your parents, there’s also the crisis hotlines, which are not just for suicidal thoughts. When reaching out for help, [students] should know that people care and love you and we just want to support you guys.”
