Yesterday, Oreo released its newest and first non-vegan product in a decade: Oreo Under the Tuscan Sun, and all I can say is, “Finally, a protein-filled sandwich cookie. Just what we all needed.” This is a real improvement from the 0 grams of protein in the old vegan Oreos, so when I received my package of the new Oreo flavor, I tore it open like a factory farmed cow would a bag of Skittles.
The packaging shows an image of a cow standing next to a smiling planet, and bold text reads “Earth’s Favorite Non-Greenhouse Gas Emitter” underneath the classic “Milk’s Favorite Cookie” (Oreo received a LOT of funding from Cattle Farmers of America).
The outer cookies appeared to be vanilla, but as I took a bite, I realized they were rounds of uncooked dried pasta. The Oreo website, which I consulted later for background research, described these cookies as “al dente and toothsome.” The filling, on the other hand, was as smooth as the regular Oreo filling, but instead of a misleadingly milky white color, the Under the Tuscan Sun flavor’s creme was a burnished red (thanks to Red 40 and sundried tomatoes). The flavor was deeply beefy and when eaten without either the top or bottom cookie, left the tongue striped with turquoise.
After polishing off one of these bad boys, I had another. The crisp outer layer shattered into lesion-producing shards and the inner layer curdled into squishy balls of anonymous meat that transported me to Lake Como.
After the second Oreo , I couldn’t stop myself. I consumed the rest of the box. Aside from a searing pain in my stomach that made me contort into the shape of an everything bagel-spiced pretzel , I really had no side effects.
While I may not purchase another box for a while because I am vegan, I will savor the flavor of Italy on my tongue and lacerations on the roof of my mouth from this European treat.
