Every year, the Editors-in-Chief of The Chronicle talk a big game about prioritizing truthful reporting and becoming better journalists, but after seeing the stomped-on pages of our newspaper scattered across the Quad, these words feel naive.
It has become clear to us that people do not read newspapers for the truth.
No more nice journalism. We want the bad. We want the ugly. We want the made-up quotes that former Print Managing Editor Claire Conner ’23 fought to keep out of the paper. We want the fake facts that former Editor-in-Chief Will Sherwood ’23 never let us publish. We want to entertain people. In doing so, The Chronicle will be able to reach more people and be known for more than just its toxic and gossip-heavy work environment.
In order to accomplish these goals, we will be implementing the following policies to make The Chronicle a newspaper everyone can believe in.
1. Spread more misinformation. All press is good press. There’s a reason our most controversial and inaccuracy-loaded articles are the ones that trend on our website every issue.
2. Start making up quotes. In fact, we should be able to interview Assistant News Editor Hannah Shahidi ’25 for anonymous interviews. That girl is trouble.
3. Destroy the Chronicle Illustrators’ Union (CIU). We know this doesn’t exist yet, but they’re multiplying in Weiler 108. We hear their whispers, and we need preventative measures.
4. Make the sophomores do more manual labor. Less writing, more walking down Coldwater Canyon to buy Summer Edition Red Bulls for Sports Managing Editor Jake Lancer ’24 or Go-Gurts for Presentation Managing Editor Tate Sheehy ’24.
5. Start putting issues of The Chronicle into backpacks without permission. Our current system of leaving copies on tables on the Quad is not working. True journalists don’t take no for an answer.
6. No more Olivia Rodrigo in the Sports Room. We will strictly play Drake or watch sports on YouTube. We need to conserve the fraternity that used to be the Sports Section. Sports Managing Editor Jake Lancer ’24 deserves it.
7. Secede from HW Media. Yearbook kids are too nice. They even taught us how to use a camera for the photo on this page. A real Chronicle kid would ask to see your camera and smash it on the ground, just like former Presentation Managing Editor Leo Saperstein ’23 allegedly did to the laptop of Opinion Editor Jackson Tanner ’24.
We know what you did, Leo.
We hope these new policies are taken seriously, even though the Satire Section isn’t.