You’ve probably seen the fake — and poisonous —Community Council snow that sprinkled down the Quad earlier this month. You know what that means: the holiday season is officially upon us. Despite my usual positive and happy-go-lucky attitude, I’ve decided to become the Grinch and let you know what we’re not gonna be wasting time on during this holiday season. Here’s the complete list:
1. Selling something other than cookies at the Winter Market. Get your entrepreneurialism out of here and take it to Venture. You don’t belong. Baked goods or bust.
2. Harassing seniors about their Early Decision (ED) applications. C’mon, guys, don’t make them even more stressed than they already are. It’s not nice. Also, checking one of the many ED spreadsheets would probably be more efficient on your end.
3. Accepting that the library is closed. How dare the administration leave us to freeze without the warmth of the joyful pursuit of educational excellence? How do you expect me to pursue excellence if I was promised a library before Thanksgiving break, and it’s Dec. 13? I say we strike.
4. Using an umbrella at school. It has never rained for more than an hour in Los Angeles — get over yourself. If you can’t handle the free shower, you’re probably just as useless as your umbrella.
5. Pretending that it’s normal for the sun to go down at 4:30 p.m. There is no way that I’m the only one who’s seasonally depressed.
6. Getting sick and coming to school. Take the free day off. They can’t Honor Board* you if you’re ACTUALLY sick.
7. Standing by while Prefect Council ruins Winterfest. Seriously, they were too easily forgiven for whatever that Fanatic Fest was. Let Student Leaders for Inclusion, Diversity and Equity (SLIDE) plan it for once! It’s what the people want.
8. Going to the Grove and posting a picture of the Christmas tree. What are you, a tourist?
9. Going to the Palisades Village. What are you, a child? The only people allowed to go to Palisades village for the next six weeks are Rick Caruso and Palisades Charter High School freshmen.
10. Listening to Sabrina Carpenter’s Christmas album. Like, why?
*Head Prefect and Satire Editor Davis Marks ’24 would like to clarify that the correct terminology is “brought before the Honor Board.”
