RUGBY HALL:
Price: $3,000,000 (the amount of money it will take to make students read “Maurice” again)
Features: 11 Rooms (technically not bedrooms, but sleeping during Shakespeare units might suggest otherwise), two Baths, square footage equivalent to the number of pages in a Homer novel.
Message from Seller: Welcome to Literature Lodgings, also known as Rugby Hall. Rugby Hall is an exceptional building conveniently nestled so far up campus that even Earl’s military-grade golf cart has trouble getting there. Feeling chilly in class? Enjoy a jacket you brought from home because the classroom thermostats are breathtaking displays of vintage charm. Unlike most properties in Los Angeles, Rugby Hall boasts a large bomb shelter below its main floor, built in the Cold War and currently used as a sick ward for the multiple students who miss class on test days.
CHALMERS:
Price: can’t put a price on those chats with Phariot at checkout
Features: Ask a math teacher to count the number of rooms. Two bathrooms and the gender neutral bathroom which doubles as a couples retreat.
Message from Seller: As you enter, you are greeted by a stunning cafeteria with antique grilled chicken and Phariot (not included in the sale). The sophomore infestation of the cafeteria has not been resolved, but Prefect Council will eradicate it before any prospective showings. Upstairs, there are ten math classrooms, and Chalmers 311 can also double as a Costco freezer section. On the basement level, French doors open to the bookstore which is currently financially supported by the amount of TI-84’s students purchased this year.
MUNGER LIBRARY:
Price: $2,500,016 (extra $16 for the loaner laptop charger you never brought back to Ms. Cox )
Features: Read the series of articles about the library construction to find out.
Message from Seller: We finished before River Park!
WEILER HALL:
Price: $1,000,000 (plus $300 for the next Chronicle Ralphs run )
Features: Five rooms and one bathroom that no one knows about (keep it on the down low).
Message from Seller: Featuring a quintessential 1990s design and breathtaking unobstructed views of the teacher parking lot, this single story oasis is a testament to desktop computers that no one uses, enough food waste from layout to feed a medium sized nation and Head of Security Jim Crawford’s gun safe. While the large space in the Sports Room appeals to those who enjoy grand architecture, the smaller cubicles are perfect for prospective buyers who enjoy more solitary vacations within their home or for staff writers who might need a place to cry after a senior tears apart their article on Friday night.
Spencer Rascoff’s ’93 affiliation with Zillow was not a factor in this list being featured on his website. It was simply due to the website’s impeccable design and structure in comparison to other, lesser real estates sites. He was also Editor-in- Chief of The Chronicle. Love you, Spence, but not enough for this to be biased, of course.
