Spring is starting, and that means it is time to vote for the new Head Prefects. Unlike the presidential primary three weeks ago, this election is actually important. We took to heart the words of the Washington Post —”democracy dies in darkness” — and have decided to help you be responsible voters by predicting what will happen this election season. And as someone who lost Prefect upwards of two times, I am the perfect staff member to be giving my opinions on the subject. I mean, it’s not like we have a Head Prefect on staff or anything.

• A candidate has a Mitch McConnell level freeze. They are escorted off the stage, and the video is posted on Twitter.

• Someone in the final four skips school on the day they were supposed to give their speech. Turns out that unlike with tests, you can’t pretend to be sick and make it up two days later.

• Head Prefect and Print Managing Editor Davis Marks ’24 breaks into gentle sobs while posing a question because he gets flashbacks to his more than three runoff elections last year. He says election season makes his stomach hurt.

• Senior Prefect Glory Ho ’24 gets her revenge on Marks. I don’t know how, but I know it’ll be good.

• Candidate promises to launch an Honor Board investigation into Environmental Club’s involvement in balloon-gate. Dean of Students Jordan Church tries grabbing the microphone but ends up falling and tearing his achilles. Again.

• Junior Prefect Gideon Evans ’25 is disqualified for being too tall for the Head Prefect robe.

• Instead of giving a speech, Junior Prefect and Assistant Arts and Entertainment Editor Sasha Aghnatios ’25 performs an interpretive dance on stage accompanied by the moans of dying seals in the arctic. In a later post-speech interview with The Chronicle, she clarifies that part of her campaign platform is saving the seals from lack of salmon hunger.

• Daisy Pritzker ’25 uses Zoom to deliver her speech in French while at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Exit polling reveals this made her seem more relatable to students.

• Former Head Prefect Simon Lee ’23 lurks in the audience. He’s skipping college for this.

• New policy states that all speeches must be written using The Chronicle madlibs.

• Senior Prefects introduce new speech timer policy: if a candidate goes over their allotted speech time, students will be instructed to throw handfuls of near-frozen cafeteria white rice at them.

• Editors-in-Chief Averie Perrin ’24 and Ella Yadegar ’24 moderate a debate between the final four candidates. Yadegar flips over the table and storms off stage when every candidate responds, “No”to the question, “Do you listen to Drake?”

• Head Prefect Bari LeBari ’24 steals the show.

• Students push for in-person voting to stimulate real elections. Three ballot boxes are stolen and later found in Prefect Council’s underground tunnels. No Honor Board case to follow.

• History Teacher Larry Klein hosts a funeral for democracy in the History Department office after someone gets a George Santos cameo endorsement.

• Write-in candidate by the name of “Katie Britt” wins the election. Although her career in national politics is over, students felt her performance last week to be so moving that they wanted to give her a chance to deliver her own State of the Union Address at the school Convocation.

• In response to last year’s March editorial in The Chronicle calling for senior suffrage, the school compromises and implements a new policy where members of the Class of 2024 can cast a ballot in elections this year — but their votes only count if they come to school on both Coachella Weekends. A total of three seniors were able to cast their votes.

• One candidate promises to make cheating excusable as long as you’re stressed for your test.

• Junior Prefect Ellie Borris ’25 delivers his speech as a self-accompanied country music song.

• Since no candidate could reach the amount of votes needed to become Head Prefect, the election is decided by a donut eating contest during Convocation next school year.

The Chronicle does not endorse specific candidates in upcoming Prefect Council elections. All satire content is for entertainment purposes only.