It’s February, and you know what that means — love is in the air! Or at least an excess of bland couples’ Instagram posts captioned “so easy to love you”. This Valentine’s Day, if you’re looking for a gift for that special (or not-so-special) someone, we’ve got you covered.

For your obsessive, paranoid girlfriend: A Life 360 Platinum Membership. Now she’ll always know exactly where you are and can “coincidentally” run into you at the grocery store.

For your significant other that you secretly hate: A heart-shaped box of chocolates with only coconut praline and citrus-filled chocolates.

For your best friend who just got her heart broken: Tickets to the Gracie Abrams concert. Now she can scream “I miss you, I’m sorry” and “That’s So True” instead of going to therapy!

For your boyfriend’s girl best friend: Her own boyfriend.

For one humanities and one STEM teacher: A $20 Amazon gift card (see: Asking for a recommendation letter: your foolproof template)

For your class crush: A not so anonymous note from Prefect Council’s letter making station confessing that staring at their face is the only thing that gets you through Advanced Precalculus.

For the couple always PDA-ing on the quad: Tinted windows and directions to a scenic Mulholland lookout.

For your ex-situationship: A gift certificate for couples therapy for him and the girlfriend he found right after telling you he needed to “focus on basketball” as a JV benchwarmer. (Too niche? Assistant Features Editor Lyla Kavanagh ’26 thinks not.)

For the one that got away: A live performance of Silver Springs by Stevie Nicks.

For your boyfriend who just buzzed all of his hair off without telling you for “team bonding”: A breakup text.

For your best friend with a hot older brother: An invitation to a Galentine’s day sleepover! At her house!

For your best friend’s significant other who you hate: A dirty look from across the Quad.

For your eye-contact-ship: A box of conversation starters. Maybe they’ll finally gain the confidence to make the first move already.

For the long-distance couple that didn’t break up for college: Receipts of them cheating on each other.

For your long-term significant other: We really don’t care. Just make sure us normal people don’t have to witness it.