Russia hacks The Chronicle, releases 50-minute conservative rant

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Russia hacked The Chronicle and released a 50-minute conservative rant as part of its scheme to topple the school’s leadership Sept. 11.

Russia bypassed the paper’s highly secure vetting process after manipulating hundreds of Facebook ads. Who knew communist meme pages could be so dangerous?

“I am just so shook, ya know?” Natasha Summers, a self-described not-a-Russian-sleeper-agent said. “First Facebook, then the widely-read and relevant Chronicle? Is there nothing sacred to the Russians? What’s next? Coachella? Shirts with premade holes in them?”

The Chronicle claimed they were not affiliated with the Russian government, but refused to restrict Russia’s First Amendment rights.

“Uh, duh Russia has free speech,” The Chronicle Editorial Team said in a statement. “We’re like First Amendment Fanatics. This is totally the moral high ground. You guys just don’t get it.”

With fears that Vladimir Putin will become the next head of school, some students contemplate a regime change.

“If Russia takes over the school, do I get lower gas prices for my Benz?” Brent Wood said before he dinged four people’s cars backing out of his parking spot.

We reached out to Putin for a comment, but he was too busy horseback riding. We could not determine whether or not he was shirtless.

“We can’t just let Vlad take over!” Summers said. “Me and my feminist sistas are starting Kitty Riot to protest this conservative propaganda. Rock on!”

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School to arrange a Palisades simulation for uncultured Valley students

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The school will orchestrate “Day in the Lyfe of a Lades Bro,” a simulation for uncultured Valley students to chillax bruh.

The event will help Valley kids understand why the Palisades are supreme.

“I’m just so sick of all of these Pali kids rubbing it in my face,” Val Lee said. “I mean, aside from the traffic and lack of bougie ethnic food made by white people, what’s so bad about the Valley?”

The simulation will include beachside brunch, a complimentary Pressed Juice and a temporary Ray Bans Club Master card.

“This is like appropriation!” Ira Nee said, styling her 100 percent natural blond hair. “The only thing that’s worse is like if we all pretended to be poor to get on Hulu or something.”

Organizers will film this clash of civilizations as part of their documentary, “Lades Lyfe.”

“No one really understands the Lades,” Jake said. “We’re a minority that is woppressed by everyone else’s lack of woke-ness. It’s so rolled!”

Jake claimed he evolved past having a last name.

Organizers started a lifestyle blog to accompany their cultural revolution called “Sk8rs, Not H8rs.”

“‘Sk8rs, Not H8rs,’ I think, has really broken into the blogsphere,” Jake said. “I think it speaks to the essence of humanity: Postmates, staying trendy and Reform Judaism.”

While some Valley plebs are upset, others welcome a taste of the Lades life.

“Yesterday, there was traffic on Ventura, and I saw someone who was upper-middle class,” Chase Ventura said. “I can’t take this anymore!”
It’s a hard-knock life indeed.