The Chronicle made headlines after releasing an article titled, “Student eats lunch.”
“Well, I guess since we’re the only paper, we made our own headlines,” Chronicle Editor-in-chief Danielle Spitz said, “But, that doesn’t matter! We’re like rocking the world of journalism.”
The paper found itself with few articles to fill its news section after an unprecedented drought of bake-sales the previous month.
“We’re the only paper covering, debatably, the second-most important meal of the day,” Chronicle adviser Jim Burns said. “It’s not about what’s in the mainstream, it’s about what the public needs to know.”
We reached out to The New York Times to comment on the moral degradation of modern journalism or just young people in general, but they resisted our bait.
“I guess the article’s an accurate description,” Brent Wood said between bites of his sandwich, wiping his mouth on a stray Chronicle. “At least they’re not #fakenews.”
The Huffington Post and Buzzfeed showed their support for the Chronicle’s new direction in cutesy listicles, featuring more than one gif from Friends.
Articles such as “Ten Reasons Why The Chronicle Is So Woke” have drawn some backlash, however.
“I don’t get why the Chronicle is getting all of this buzz,” a Loyola Loyalist reporter said. “We’ve been covering this stuff for years, and you don’t see any of us making a big deal out of it.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced the release of their upcoming children’s book, Tale of Turtle and Toucan, on Wednesday.
The duo made the announcement during their press conference for their two-year budget deal.
“Chuck and I really got close these last few weeks,” McConnell said, grabbing Schumer’s hand. “I can’t even remember how this friendship started, but I’m glad it did. It’s like a dream!”
The book, featuring illustrations from Senator Dick Durbin, chronicles the adventures of two super best buds, pursuing their dreams no matter what.
“What’s so powerful about TTT, as Mitchie and I call it, is that these two pals can live life to the fullest despite their backgrounds and who their parents are,” Schumer said, swinging McConnell’s hand back and forth. “You know—it reminds me of Mitchie and I!”
The book is expected to be released on the pair’s friendship anniversary March 5.
“TTT’s bound to be a smash!” President Trump tweeted. “Barron and I plan to read this American masterpiece! Third best after Art of the Deal and the Bible!”
Leaders in the House expressed similar pride in their Senate colleagues.
“The younglings need wholesome family content,” a snoozing Nancy Pelosi mumbled. “Sorry, just taking a break from resisting. Don’t mind me.”
Others were less than thrilled.
“I mean – you make friendship bracelets, coordinate matching half-smiles to make while standing behind Donald…” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan seethed to anyone in the random gathering of immigrants at the press conference who would listen.
“I just can’t believe he’s cheating on me. Geez, do any of you know what it’s like to be let down like this?”