The Official Chronicle Curriculum Guide

Georgia Goldberg, Assistant A&E Editor

Science

AP Chemistry: So hard that you get free merch… Just kidding, they stopped doing that. It’s just hard now.

Honors Chemistry: You don’t actually like Chem, you just like Dr. Cardin.

Chemistry: Just because it’s not honors doesn’t mean you won’t be miserable.

Honors Molecular and Cellular Biology: Pretty challenging, so this class is a hard cell.

Honors Physics I: Prepare to spend 75 minutes learning about “women in STEM”.

Physics I: 75: the class average says it all.

AP Environmental Science: Hawaii Fetishes, Parrot Screeching and the Grim Reality of the Future of Our Planet

Astrology: This course introduces students to the fundamentals of astrology. A wide range of topics is presented, including the history of astrology, radiation from space, astronomical instruments, Scorpios, the solar system, mercury in retrograde, stars, galaxies, Libras, cosmology, and space technology. Class time is allocated to presentations, laboratory exercises, class discussions, and instructional videos.

Math

Advanced Precalculus: Advanced Topics in Analog Clock Analysis

Honors Precalculus: You know that movie Saw? It’s like that but worse.

AP Calculus BC: You know that movie Saw II? It’s like that but worse.

AP Calculus C: You know that movie Despicable Me?

AP Calculus AB: Sorry you didn’t make it to BC. Better luck next year!

AP Economics: Fictional Studies: the Gender Pay Gap

Calculus and Statistics: Future Stanford math majors only.

English

English II: Introduction to Subtly Gay Literature

Honors English III: American Studies: Introduction to Explicitly Gay Literature

AP Literature: Same House, Different Worlds: More students take it than Lexapro.

AP Language: Imagined Societies—Utopias and Dystopias: You hate English, but you desperately want that AP.

History

AP United States History: Tonight’s homework: 52 pages of textbook reading, 45-minute podcast and a three-paragraph discussion post. We are single-handedly saving democracy.

AP United States Government and Politics: Dr. Sheehy told me to take it and I would trust him with my life.

Language

Spanish IV: English as a Second Language

AP Spanish Language: No. (this translates to “no” in Spanish)

French III Honors: Can I make a Google Translate joke here or am I going to get honor-boarded?

Honors Latin Literature: Congratulations! You’ve spent six years learning a dead language.

British III: Students build on skills acquired in previous British courses to establish a firm foundation upon which to advance their language ability. Students work with audio, visual, and written sources intended for native British speakers, reinforcing grammar and vocabulary in context. Students learn strategies to communicate creatively through the use of imaginative, expressive, and increasingly advanced language. They also learn more about cultures of the British-speaking world.

Arts

Jazz Band: Off to Poland to destroy Russian tanks with trumpets.

AP Studio Art: Somehow your hardest AP…

Three-Dimensional Art: Sculpture: A pottery class he takes for an easy A reveals Jeff’s deep-seated need to succeed.

Electives

Yearbook: Perpetually in Chronicle’s shadow (sorry losers)

Venture: Boybosses and Sophia Rascoff ’23

Student Leadership: Still bitter about not getting prefect? Want to get on a first first-name basis with Mr. President Head of School Rick Commons ? Wait, what are we leading again?

Shakespeare: Prerequisite: British III

AP Computer Science A: Shut up, you’re not going to MIT.

Honors Design and Data Structures: I don’t have a joke for this one. It’s simply the worst, most tortuous class I have ever taken. You will cry in class, you will cry doing homework, you will cry meeting with your teacher. Please do not take this class unless you actively want to inflict pain upon yourself.

Middle East Studies: Mr. Yaron’s Midlife Crisis

Cinema Studies: For guys: No way! Quentin Tarantino is your favorite director? | For girls: No way! Wes Anderson is your favorite director?

Gender Studies: Contemporary Studies of Getting Back into the Kitchen

Chronicle: Definitely wasn’t described as “toxic” over twenty times on the student survey.