The Malibu Chili Cook Off: a wondrous celebration of being coastal elites and the opportunity to bump shoulders with Lele Pons and James Charles at our quaint county fair. The whole event is just proof that we truly are better than Northern California. If you’re confused: the Cook Off is basically a national holiday… for middle schoolers in the greater Los Angeles (LA) area, that is. The best thing about the Cook-Off though is being able to eat a warm bowl of vegan, dairy-free, farm-raised, Goop-approved , Malibu chili, then subsequently go on the upside-down roller coaster with your ultimate crush. Cutest. Date. Ever. Despite the glorious tradition that is the Chili Cook Off, there is a 104% chance that you will leave looking and feeling like a Chronicle junior who just finished Saturday layout. Lucky for you, we are here to show you weren’t the only one, so here’s a list of the unavoidable effects of going to the Cook Off.

1. The Unpredictable and Outfit-Ruining Weather: what a wonderful time to throw an outdoor event! No one knows what direction climate change will take us this time, so have that fight with your parents about bringing a jacket “just in case.” You’ll be taking a risk no matter what: ruin your outfit or risk freezing at the top of the Drop Tower. Either way, you’ll come back to a room that looks like it was just hit by a Category 5 hurricane.

2. The Never-Ending Wait Times: what better use of your weekly allowance than to spend $40 on tickets for rides that you will never get to go on? It’s seriously reminiscent of the line outside of Taper to get tickets for the Sierra Canyon basketball game. But who doesn’t love the excitement of the unknown? Will you spend the entirety of your night in line? Who knows!

3. The Carnival Food and Rides-Induced Nausea: the Cook-Off offers the best combination of food and activities possible. Devour a funnel cake in line for the flying swings and wait for the amazing feeling of queasiness to hit you without warning.

4. Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) Rush Hour: your parents will surely greet you with smiling faces after having driven three hours in PCH traffic to pick you up. Enjoy spending the next hours trapped in the car hearing that it is way past their bedtime!