Filing through the stack of mail that had accumulated on her kitchen counter, Chloe Hsu ’27 stumbled upon an overdue parking ticket that her mom had forgotten to pay. She dialed the parking bureau and gave her credit card number for the $75 bill. Previously, her dad would have taken care of such tasks because her mom doesn’t speak English. Now, he is 6,500 miles away in Shanghai, and she has to take on the burden of everyday duties such as paying bills and sorting through the mail.
Hsu said that since moving to America without her dad, the responsibility of household duties shifted from her sister to her.
“Before I came to America [when] I was ten, my dad would always handle insurance and talk to people who would work on our house,” Hsu said. “But after moving, that responsibility fell on my sister, but now that she’s at college, it’s now on me. With my dad being gone, I’ve become more independent about certain things because I do work that I used to [believe] was for adults.”
Children of migrating parents are experiencing more challenges and are exposed to emotional, behavioral, peer relation and conduct problems compared to children living with both parents, according to a study published in the International Journal of Education and Literacy Studies.
Upper School Counselor Michelle Bracken said having a parent live abroad can create an imbalanced family dynamic with damaging consequences.
“Sometimes young people feel closer to the parent who is living abroad, and it is difficult to find comfort without that parent living in the home,” Bracken said. “This can cause stress for the young person and cause tension within the family.”
Luna Yang ’27, who came to America with her mom when she was six, said her mom entrusted her with additional responsibilities since her dad lives and works back in China.
“I feel like there’s a lot of responsibility that I carry,” Yang said. “In a typical family dynamic, the kid relies on the mom and dad, and the mom and dad rely on each other. But, because my dad isn’t physically there, my mom has shifted that reliability to me. If she needs insight or advice about things, I feel honored because a lot of parents don’t have that respect and relationship with their kids. It’s definitely helped me develop maturity and responsibility.”
Jane Zhang ’26, whose dad lives abroad in China for work, said that although other people assume having one parent live abroad would create distance, it has actually had the opposite effect for her.
“People would assume we’re not that close, but he was always present for the important moments,” Zhang said. “For every month he was gone, he came back for two weeks, so even though we’re not together every single day, I feel like I cherish the time we are able to spend together more than I feel I would in a traditional father-daughter relationship.”
Bracken said having a parent live abroad does not compromise a young person’s ability to have a sense of security at home.
“While it is different when one parent is not consistently present, it doesn’t mean that the young person will suffer,” Bracken said. “If the parents are willing to work at doing what they can to support each other and the family, no matter where they are, a young person can form a sense of safety and home base.”
The more time parents spent on activities with children, the higher the children’s well-being tends to be, according to a study conducted by the National Institutes of Health.
Felicia Duan ’27 said when her parents are away for work, she misses out on shared family time, such as eating dinner all together.
“In my household, we eat dinner together, and food is a primary source of connection between the family,” Duan said. “It’s a time where we get to update each other on the day, and there’s a certain atmosphere that gets cultivated when I come home, and my dad is preparing food. It’s a lot quieter and feels lonely when they’re not there because the liveliness is missing. The difference is definitely palpable, and I feel like I’m losing out on having a community at my home.”
Hsu said cultural influences dictate the role men and women play within a family.
“Culture really plays a big role in the kinds of duties that moms and dads have,” Hsu said. “From what I’ve observed in China, fathers purely provide financial support, and my dad didn’t grow up in a supportive family environment, so showing emotion isn’t as natural to him. For my mom, she grew up in a very loving household, which is an exception within China, so she provides more love and emotional understanding for me. I feel like I should miss [my father] and feel sad about him not being there, but I don’t because he isn’t an emotional outlet for me.”
Upper School Counselor Brittany Bronson said cultural factors can result in different reactions to a parent not being actively present.
“Many cultures emphasize being family-centered and put an emphasis on sacrifice and duty,” Bronson said. “So, absence is seen as an act of love and responsibility. On the other hand, there are other cultural expectations around the importance of a ‘two-parent household’ which could cause the student to feel judged and different because one of their parents is not physically present. Additionally, some students may not feel comfortable showing their sadness or stress about their family situation, while others may encourage more open communication and the ability to express how being away from their parents makes them feel.”
Yang said although her relationship with her dad is not as strong as with her mom, she feels a strong sense of gratitude towards him.
“My mom always made sure to instill a sense of gratitude and respect for my dad because he’s the provider,” Yang said. “However, there’s definitely an imbalance in our relationship because my mom is so present and caught up with everything in my life, but I try to regulate with my dad by checking in with him from time to time and calling him or texting.”
Zhang said that while she wishes she had more time with her father, getting older has diminished her need for her father’s physical presence.
“I definitely wish there was more time for us to be together,” Zhang said. “However, at the end of the day, my brother and I try to understand this position because he still has to provide for us. My brother and I are both understanding of him,and we try not to feel resentful because he has to take 14-hour flights every month to come visit us. When I was younger, and I needed him more, he was much more present, but as we’ve grown up, that need has adjusted and we’re able to communicate over call every day.”
Data suggests that having a parent work abroad is often positively associated with an intention to similarly emigrate, according to a study published in the Journal of Applied Economics. Zhang said she would consider a similar arrangement for her children when they are older.
“In the future, I would consider having an arrangement similar to mine,” Zhang said. “It’s important to be present while children are younger, but once they get to middle or high school, it’s a lot better because they are more mature and less dependent on a parent to provide physical presence for the child.”
Bronson said a parent being absent can ultimately have both positive and negative long-term consequences.
“One parent’s absence can even cause a shift in family roles where the student might be asked to help out more around the house and provide support for the parent who is living at home with them,” Bronson said. “A positive thing that could come from this type of family structure is the student developing a stronger sense of resilience, independence and a deeper appreciation for their family’s sacrifices.”
Hsu said that although she wishes to have her family together, she has become accustomed to not having her father present at home.
“Since my dad isn’t present, I don’t really know what I’m missing out on,” Hsu said. “He was present in a part of my life that I don’t remember, and now, he’s obviously not anymore. I want to try to focus on the positive aspects of how I had a whole family back then, but it’s hard to. We constantly have to make compromises, and I don’t blame my dad for his choice because he provides for my family. But, I wish I knew what it would be like to have access to both my mom and dad.”
