Wolverines Are Out


Lucas Cohen-d’Arbeloff, Print Managing Editor

When was the last time you saw a squirrel at school? Quite recently, I would presume. They are ubiquitous, gracefully scurrying about the campus and shaking their fluffy brown tails throughout the shrubbery.

Another question: Have you ever thought about why our mascot is a wolverine? It certainly sounds like a daring and macho animal, worthy of our school’s eminence. Maybe “X-Men” or a buff Hugh Jackman comes to mind. But in reality, wolverines are dull, uninspiring beings who live in the bleak wilderness of Canada. Why are these Canadians entitled to represent us, and why have we as students left them unchallenged and unquestioned as our mascot?

As the holidays quickly approach, my Christmas list contains a single wish: We must replace the lackluster wolverine with the wonderful squirrel. We have unfairly deprived the squirrels of recognition and praise after years of steadfast service to our community. We have also ignored the intimate connections we have formed with these exquisite critters. In searching incessantly for nuts in the dirt, the squirrels embody the school’s commitment to “the joyful pursuit of educational excellence,” as outlined in our mission statement. Moreover, the healthy competition they display is analogous to students’ undying quest for A’s.

Likewise, let us not forget how staunch the squirrels are in following the school’s Honor Code. They fend for themselves, never receiving unauthorized aid as they fight to catch peanuts thrown by school security guards in their mouths. Nor would they ever “steal or violate” other squirrels’ food stashes. In contrast, wolverines are sneaky and solitary animals. They reside alone and in the bitter cold, an environment wholly unfit for Los Angeles kids who complain when it is less than 70 degrees out. Their meat-heavy diet is also out of touch with our increasingly vegan population—a wolverine wouldn’t dare eat an Impossible Burger!

This Christmas, I want one gift only: It is time for the Harvard-Westlake Wolverines to retire and the Squirrels to take charge.