Prince Harry to Replace Commons as Head of School

Eden Conner, Staff Writer

Prince Harry will replace President Richard B. Commons effective immediately, according to an all-school email sent Jan. 23. The ginger, who made millions streaming his move out of his parents basement, will now make the hour-long commute from Montecito to the Coldwater freeway exit—and a second hour-long commute from the exit to the upper school campus.

Harry says he plans to make minimal adjustments to school life, hoping to make the transition as seamless as possible. However, he will be the first and only faculty member allowed to join a Peer Support group, as he needs a safe space to unload all the beef with William that he just couldn’t trust Oprah Winfrey with. Winfrey is said to have broken Big C. Harry says the group’s games of running charades will give him a chance to display the athleticism he developed during his time serving in the British Army. 

Commons’ shoes will not be easy to fill, but Harry says he has the utmost confidence in his abilities to maintain the institution’s current status. To compete with Sierra Canyon Basketball’s documentary, Harry will included school-related content in his contract with Netflix. The streamer is slated to debut “Keeping up with Kutler: a Directed Study Docu-series.” Harry also shared his willingness to donate 10% of Archwell Foundation earnings to expanding the school parking lot — a decision prompting several lawsuits from @hw.parking. The remainder of the funds will be used to snag that elusive first place spot on’s high school ranking list.

Commons was, of course, not fired from his long-held position but rather sent across the pond by special request of the royal family. He will take over the majority of Harry’s global philanthropic work, spreading the message of the joyful pursuit of educational excellence worldwide. Sources say Commons also wanted a break from walking the three flights of stairs to get to his second-floor Seaver office.

Many have questioned the Prince’s intentions behind taking the position of School President, and their primary suspicion is that Harry and Meghan hope to secure a spot for their children at Harvard-Westlake, pending the creation of a school rugby team. While the enrollment seems inevitable, what remains to be seen is who the children will bring to grandparents day.